Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Alone and surrounded by millions....

I know i haven't written in a while and i apologize for that... i still love you all :-P

Life's been up and down lately...

I'm at a weird place in life. And i'm sure this is going to make a whole lot of people... and i just mean a lot in terms of who reads this... think aw poor him. Which isn't what i'm going for at all.. this isn't a blog for a pitty party... i'm just in a weird place right now.

I feel very alone.. and it seems that i can somehow feel that way having plenty of people around me. The best description of this is that i feel uncomfortable in my own skin and so even when i am surrounded by those that love me i feel like i'm either elsewhere or that i'm somehow disconnected.

Examining life lately makes me think about some mistakes and past follies that i have experienced recurring in life. Things that you think how in the hell am i still dealing with this. How does this keep popping up. How is it that i can be so caught up in a moment in time to forget everything but that moment?

This might seem like rambling and if it is I'm sorry....

We've been studying trials lately in our small group through looking at abraham in Genesis and i feel like he did a heck of a lot better job cause i can't honestly say i feel like i've been passing any, but instead dive head first into what i shouldn't do/think/say.... whatever action the trial effects.

I've been internally miserable now and just lacking in fullness. That obviously shows me that my focus has become unfocused and that Christ isn't quite at the center. Sure fire test of what your priorities are is how fulfilled you are in my opinion. You just can't seem to be unfulfilled if Christ is the center cause he is unchanging... we just seem to change our focus.

**side note***

i like to use ..... all the time :D

**end side note***

I know i need to read the scriptures more cause well some is better than none... and a lot is better than some.....

I don't know why its still so hard for me to want to make time. And i honestly say want, cause, as craig once told me, if you want it bad enough you'll make it happen.

So i leave you now with a thought....
Why is internal struggle so crippling....???
Why is it that we can seem so happy but on the inside be struggling so much?
Is it in our nature to decieve others or is it societies influence on us to try to act as if everything is great so that we aren't real enough to have to worry about it?

***Another side note***

My mom is what i would call an abstract genious... and i don't mean artist... I love you moo!

***End second side note***

Anyway i really like the title of this specific entry because i think it's poetic and very real. So i hope you enjoyed this entry and please comment i enjoy reading what you think and your thoughts on my thoughts.


Sunday, November 15, 2009

Life's misery

Sorry for not writing lately. To give everybody an update, I'm recently employed by Pepsi Bottling Group in Winston-Salem. Its been awesome but its been a real change as well. Things have been very different over the past week and a half.

Something that has been on my mind lately is the amount of despair and hardships that i've heard/seen/experienced recently. To start this isn't going to be a sad blog its good i promise... just stay with me :)

We as a people have turned into some of the most complaining people on the face of the planet. We've moved away from a leave it beaver family style society and moved into what seems like a waiting for the next misery to hit us. The great thing in this is that that's based completely on what I've been hearing and not necessarily on what is true.

My point is.... that it seems like people have a very easy time vocalizing hardships and misery but we seem to avoid the speaking on good things and expressing to one another the great things that we've been privileged to. Or maybe its the fact that we seem to think that the little things that we have that we don't like seem to make us feel worse off then we actually are....but in all reality most of us have a pretty sweet deal in this whole life thing.

So i know this is short but i just think maybe to start the week this week why not start to concentrate on all of the great things that are going on to/around you and not emphasize so much on the minute disappointments that we have.

I hope everybody has a great week and hopefully I'll write again real soon :D

oh and i have two music recommendations today.

1.. a good friend of mine just released a new CD and their band is called fruit smoothie trio... check them out

2. one of my favorite bands just released a new single off their new soon to release album.
Thirty Seconds To Mars - Kings + Queens - HD

30 Seconds to Mars | MySpace Video

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The importance of people!

So i haven't written in a while cause life is moving at twice the speed i have become acustomed to in my unemployed life but that might become the norm very soon. More details when that becomes final.

But in the midst of having life move so quickly an otter like me gets swept up in all the business and chaos and we have such a hard time getting our feet on the ground cause we didn't have a plan.. so life has been very different this past week.

One thing i think that i have been able to stop and see though is the important part that friends and relatives and others play in your life. Both good an bad.

To start off, at worship this morning our pastor spoke on 3 different ways that sin tries to get at us. I won't explain all 3 but the one that effected me the most was what he called the "bug zapper."

The bug zapper is basically something that looks very enticing.. something that seems to be what we want. Nothing looks bad, it's all fun and games and then all of a sudden ZAP! we get hurt by it.

I look back at my college career and i don't do a very good job of looking forward to what might hurt me later i like to fly toward the light and wait for the zap to realize.. crap.. that wasn't a good idea.

This is where i think my friends are the best remedy. The Lord did not instill in me the ability to see these things coming... but my friends can sure tell me in a heart beat. Problem is i'm stubborn as my dad.... (Love ya pops... but you are stubborn.. ask mom)

But for real I don't like to listen when somebody says... that's not going to be good for you. I like to think of excuses like... let me make my own mistakes and i'll learn from them.. and how do you know you've never done it. Or the all time favorite that makes its way into my head... You and I are different so I know what's best for me.

Scary one right there.... that'll get you in some trouble!

I really just want to take the time to thank people. Close friends, especially my roomates, my church families, Pastor Childs, and i think most importantly is my parents.

I did a lot of stupid things growing up... wanna see?
yea, that's me before i graduated high school... oh the stipid years. i had the spike braclets and i had all the "goth/punk" clothing and i drove my parents crazy. Loud hard rock music, spent too much time in my solitary room. Cussed, and complained, and always talked about how bad life sucked.

I thought it did, i thought life was a dismal place that only got worse. Contimplated suicide a couple of times... short times, but if i'm being honest it really wasn't ever an option just an idea cause it didn't seem worth facing that idea that it wasn't going to get better. And the fact of the matter was.. i was doing stupid things that were going to hurt me that my friends and family were telling me not to do. They might not know it, cause i don't know if i've ever shared it, but i thank my friends and family for still being here, not just alive, but in the place i am in with all the blessings i have and for being who i am today.

Ask anybody and most of you would hopefully agree, that i am one of the most genuinely happy people you'll come across.

Wow.. i think i'm way off topic, but it's late... but my point is... My family and friends back then, and even my new friends and "families" play a huge role in my life. The love i have for it, and the enjoyment that i'll continue to get out of it.

Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (Hebrews 10:24-25)

So anyway, i write this in tribute to all of you... who encourage me to keep on... to avoid the bug zappers, and by all means love and live life to the full.


Sunday, October 18, 2009

BIG CHANGES in small ways

So I apologize to any who have missed me writing. I've been keeping myself busy and going to sleep earlier due to lack of energy... it's really killing my good writing time... but here's a new one!

Remember in my last post about how i wasn't basically, for lack of a better Carrie Underwood song, letting Jesus take the wheel? Well i finally let go... and it's been awesome. So much has seemed to change with very little actually changing.

Which brings me to my topic for the evening. BIG CHANGES in small ways.

A lot of times we want life to move in tidal waves but most of the time it seems that God works in waves so small you couldn't surf. There's a beach reference to all my Wrightsville Beach people... miss ya 910.

The problem is this world, in my opinion is "normal" to most people. And God works like that most of the time because if we all saw BIG HUGE THINGS then there wouldn't be a question of whether or not he exists. This life in many ways is about the trust we have in Him and the fact that he did exist and He did die on a cross and He did rise from the dead.

ALL OFF THOSE ARE HUGE THINGS!!! but still in our world today we don't see a risen Lord, we hear about him. We don't get to see the Red Sea just split in two, which would be awesome and probably bring more and more people to the belief that God does exist. Instead we get little things in life but in reality they are just as BIG as the most miraculous thing you can think of. If you come from the stance to we are all helpless without Christ, continually doing all things for basically nothing, if we do them without a Godly purpose, then to have something happen, say a job interview, or a marrage, or any number of "blessings" in the world... they are MIRACULOUS!!! We don't deserve nor do we have the power to make these good things happen. We have to rely on the power of Christ for the miracles in our life.

Now people ask, well He's not here, how do i trust something that isn't going to materialize and say OK... here's how this works. Well the problem is we like to think in the physical or possibly even in the material. But the fact is that God, Christ, and even the Holy Spirit, though it dwells within all true believers, God doesn't exist materially. He exists in a state that we don't necessarily understand. AND even if he did exist materially, say in the form of the Human Jesus Christ, we end up putting him on a cross. So well, material didn't work either.

The fact is no matter how we "experience" God we are required to trust that:
1) He is Lord of our lives, sovereign in all things, *and in Him all things hold together -Colossi ans 1:17
2) That we are to trust him with all our heart -Proverbs 3:5
3) That all things work together for those who are called according to His purpose -Rom 8:28

So in a nutshell....trust is the main component to a personal relationship with Christ. Turn over all things to Him because they are His to begin with, and with his power things can be amazing.

Cartel- Cycles

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Life as is...

Ever think to yourself... what's the meaning of what i'm going through? How is this a good thing.. How is this going to better me?

I've been asking these questions more and more lately because, well... life's getting harder everyday. I keep getting these thoughts of... "you aren't good enough" or "nobody needs you". I lately have had a hard time finding peace with my unemployment. I've had a really hard time thinking about the near future and thinking about just how hard things might get as we near the end of the year.

But something even struck me today that's a recurring thing that has seemed to come together just as i type right this very instance....

We learn more in times of trouble and times of hardships. Think about that... what big LIFE LESSONS have you learned when you are too busy with all your things in life (see previous blog) or when you have all the money you need and have no worries in the world? We rarely stop to worry about things enough to learn from our situations and when things are going so well that we don't have to stop and worry about things we rarely look to the lord for our provision. We tend to start to become reliant on ourselves and we try to, mostly unconciously, leave the Lord out of our lives. Maybe that's my big revelations right there. I'm still trying to "DO" this on my own. I'm still relying on myself to work things out. Well... there it is.... my big epiphany for the evening.

If stuff is going your way... quick, learn to be thankful for it and don't let that change your view or way you rely on the lord because certianly enough you will experience some hardships for the Lord to bring you back to him.

If you are going through hardships.. look to the Lord for comfort and for guidance and i know what most people say is... well the Lord isn't going to talk to me so what do i wait for. Prayer is as much about listening as it is about talking. Listen to the way the Lord moves your ideas, your heart, and see what happens. It can be amazing.

Lonely Wheel - Official Video

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Unexpected awesomeness

So today... i got to go see my first college football game live. Ian, my roommate, and I were sitting around the house bummed because his appointment to see his house that he bought got canceled. So we didn't really have anything planned and then out of the blue a lady he goes to church with called him up and asked if we wanted tickets to the wake forest v. nc state football game. Of course for free who could say no. So he took off to Kernersville and picked up the tickets and our day was set.

It made me start to think about all the little things in life that the Lord gives us that we aren't expecting. It's a blessing to have things like that happen and they are seemingly happening more and more often. It might be that my eye to see them has become opened and I am able to see blessings as the come more freely. Whatever the case it was such a great thing to be able to spend sometime with Ian, who i rarely get to just hang out with. Our schedules are very opposite and when he's home I'm not so to get to just relax and go to a ball game was a lot of fun. NC State had a great day but all in all Wake Forest pulled it out to win by 6. It was a lot of fun!

I guess my brain is somewhat limited tonight with lack of a huge thought provoking question but one thing i challenge all who read this to think about...

What are some things that you haven't done anything to deserve and haven't been expecting that have shown up in your life and have you thanked the Lord for providing that?

Personally the beginning of my answer to that would be, no i haven't thanked him because i'm too busy being caught up in what i want to happen most times to see what's being given to me in the moment.

Anywho... heading to bed soon so i can wake early for church!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

uneventful....yet glorious

You ever have one of those days where you just think, man it'd be nice if something would happen. Pretty much anything... I had one of those days today. I pretty much sat around, i shoulda gone to the gym... but i didn't. I really just wasn't excited about a whole lot... cept for the fact that i made rice for the first time! :D i know that sounds ridiculous but i thought i was going to ruin it and yet it came out great... thanx again mom for the rice :D

Any who... we had a Kirk softball game tonight. For anybody that doesn't know the Kirk is my church home now. Our softball game was kinda the highlight of my day. Heidi offered to drive and we picked up Leslie and we went to the game. But something struck me today. Heidi asked me a question that i hadn't thought about until right then, and so simply we ask it and give an off the top of our head response that why even bother asking. She just asked me how my day was and i actually stopped for a min and thought about it. I usually answer this questions with OK, or pretty good, or not bad... when in all reality that doesn't usually describe my day at all. We tend to use it more as an ice breaker when we see somebody then actually caring what the answer is going to be. But this was different, whether she meant to or not it seemed like Heidi cared to know my answer. This was a nice change but i had to actually think for a second about how to describe my day. This brings me back to my topic for this blog... UNEVENTFUL.

It was! It was a total waste of a day except for the softball game. I caught up on some of my television shows that i record on DVR, which by far is the best thing that ever happened to cable television, and then just played video games and got a chance to talk to my mom today. All in all it was a pretty regular day. My first thought was... why couldn't my day have been more exciting? Why wasn't i motivated to make something happen? Why didn't i DO anything? Laziness is the obvious answer but in retrospect there are a lot of days we are DOING DOING DOING and would like our days to be a little more laid back. I think back now and say wow... i got a day, which being currently unemployed seems to happen more often then not, that i didn't have to do anything particular and could just veg out and not necessarily go go go go all the time.

In reading Marli Garcia's blog today i kinda realized something! kinda a yea... that's true moments. We GO all the time. We rarely take time in our world today to stop and "smell the roses". My house i guarantee you doesn't smell like roses but in the deep meaning of the phrase i was actually given a day where my day wasn't booked solid and i didn't HAVE to do anything.

On the other hand, i feel like i wasted today doing nothing. :(

This seems to create an elaborate paradox that just seems to prove the fact that I in particular, but most likely all human beings, just don't tend to be content.

When I'm going all the time... i wish i wasn't! When i take a day to just do nothing... i wish i was doing something! How does that work... i get what i want when i don't want it and then feel disappointed. Oh well.. deep thinking at it's finest. A human flaw only explained by the fall of man in which nothing is perfect and we are not made content because of the epic eating of the fruit. I'm with Craig, I think I'm going to hit Adam when i get to heaven...lol

Something new to think about.... a lot of the ladies on the softball team tend to read this craziness that seems to come out of my head late at night... yes you Lynn. :D

If you gals ever have a weird/deep/thought provoking question for me to ponder through and want to challenge my thoughts and blog about it... just comment on one and I'll see what i can do. kinda a challenge for me in a way. If not... I'll just keep posting what's on my mind... see if it empties out sooner or later ;)
- Thankfulness for the church family i have and the wonderful blessing the past year has been with them.
- Thank you for blood family and though being three hours away still being able to keep in touch and have those I'm your mom so i get to tell you these things talks... Love you MOO!

Music Suggestion:
Josh Turner - Everything is Fine

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Things to think about...

So i met with Craig Childs for lunch today. We met at AppleBees and just talked about life. I have to admit that Craig over the last year has become as much of a friend as a pastor to me. The great thing is that the same excited pastor that gets up on Sunday morning cares about the members of the church every other day of the week as well. We get together every now and then just to talk about things and I always walk away somehow influenced or inspired in someway when i leave.

Today was no different. We talked about the fact that lately i've been learning my defensive mechanism to deal with my own sin is to not deal with it at all. "out of sight out of mind" works all too well for me. I put things off until i end up getting hurt/hurting somebody else and being smacked in the face with it end up having to deal with whatever i have been avoiding eventually.

He asked me a question that was all too hard to answer on the spot and i think i am going to think a lot about and it stemmed from the fact that a year ago i was in a very bad place. I was living by myself, apart from fellowship with fellow believers and i was living in a world that i could just avoid that sin to where i am today that i LIVE with and around believers all the time and am constantly growing due to that fellowship. The past year has been an amazing transition for me. I've met a lot of different, influential people in my life and seem to have lost touch with some people that i think were not always bad but not always good for me either. I also think that finding a new church home that i love and enjoy has made a huge difference in my life. It all started at the Hyder wedding. I remember enjoying seeing everybody i had missed towards the end of my college experience and lost touch with. They were all there. And the great thing was we weren't associated with a group or a set of people. We were just friends... some good, some acquaintances and all fun. The difference i saw was just being together with them was causing joy, happiness, fun! Things i had missed out a lot on the months before that. I decided there that i was going to dive head first into fellowship again. Here we are a year later and i'm so thankful that the lord brought me to that wedding and broke me and my hard heart to understand that i was missing something and i wouldn't trade where i am right now for any part of the life i was leading before.

BACK TO THE QUESTION... lol.. that was a tangent obviously but still important.

The question was... where do i want my life to be in a year? Have you ever thought about that. And if so did you have a hard time coming up with the answer. I said general stuff like i hoped i'd be dating somebody, and growing in my faith and yadda yadda yadda but i really hadn't started thinking about what i hoped the Lord would work in my life in the next 12 months. Big things are going to happen. Things are going to change and in big ways i'm sure. I'm excited to see where they go and i'm going to be doing some more thinking about what i'd like to see.

Also i got to work out today with Leslie which was awesome cause she's a trip and i just really enjoy hanging out with her. I'm so glad that we have been able to hang out more and more lately. She makes me laugh which has been a blessing in a time of some hardships. I know any time i hang out with Leslie that we are going to have a good time and though it might be extremely akward at times we enjoy those moments too. We must cause they keep happening... lol :D

- Total Weight Loss = 12.4 lbs
- Willingness to face sin

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

All New Blog - Life right now

So it's 11:45 on a Tuesday and I've finally decided to start blogging. A lot of people i know have been blogging for a long time now and the more i read from them the more i thought I'd like to put my thoughts down. If you read them... awesome, if nobody does, at least i feel like i have gotten my thoughts out.
The subject of this first blog is about life and how sometimes you have to go through hard times and why we do that.

So almost 3 months ago i lost a job that i had started to become comfortable in. For a long time i didn't understand how the Lord was going to better me through this situation. Just to open up a little i will admit some hardships I've gone through. I've been recently tight on money, becoming more and more faithless in this situation because i can't see a light at the end of the tunnel and my "happy go lucky" "everything is going to work out in the end" outlook has seem to have been tested thoroughly. I'm an otter... and if you don't know what i mean by that take a look at this.

My otterness is being tested and my scenic is coming out more and more. But recently i have had a couple of revelations - God has an ultimate plan and my life is going to have the path that the Lord chooses for me, not necessarily the one that i think is best.
  • Romans 8:28 -And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whob]"> have been called according to his purpose.
And that i shouldn't give up my search but not worry so much as to being provided for.
  • Matthew 6:34 - Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
What i have started to learn through a new opportunity possibly presenting itself and through talking with members of my church i have now realized that these verses point me to a direction that will 1. make living unemployed easier and less stressful and 2. will make me rely on the Lord more and in turn let me know what my current purpose is. All things pointing to the glory of God discovering the purpose i currently have is priority number one.

- Possible Job Opportunity with a company in Greensboro
-Weight loss count of -10.8 lbs.

Music suggestion:
Owl City