Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Alone and surrounded by millions....

I know i haven't written in a while and i apologize for that... i still love you all :-P

Life's been up and down lately...

I'm at a weird place in life. And i'm sure this is going to make a whole lot of people... and i just mean a lot in terms of who reads this... think aw poor him. Which isn't what i'm going for at all.. this isn't a blog for a pitty party... i'm just in a weird place right now.

I feel very alone.. and it seems that i can somehow feel that way having plenty of people around me. The best description of this is that i feel uncomfortable in my own skin and so even when i am surrounded by those that love me i feel like i'm either elsewhere or that i'm somehow disconnected.

Examining life lately makes me think about some mistakes and past follies that i have experienced recurring in life. Things that you think how in the hell am i still dealing with this. How does this keep popping up. How is it that i can be so caught up in a moment in time to forget everything but that moment?

This might seem like rambling and if it is I'm sorry....

We've been studying trials lately in our small group through looking at abraham in Genesis and i feel like he did a heck of a lot better job cause i can't honestly say i feel like i've been passing any, but instead dive head first into what i shouldn't do/think/say.... whatever action the trial effects.

I've been internally miserable now and just lacking in fullness. That obviously shows me that my focus has become unfocused and that Christ isn't quite at the center. Sure fire test of what your priorities are is how fulfilled you are in my opinion. You just can't seem to be unfulfilled if Christ is the center cause he is unchanging... we just seem to change our focus.

**side note***

i like to use ..... all the time :D

**end side note***

I know i need to read the scriptures more cause well some is better than none... and a lot is better than some.....

I don't know why its still so hard for me to want to make time. And i honestly say want, cause, as craig once told me, if you want it bad enough you'll make it happen.

So i leave you now with a thought....
Why is internal struggle so crippling....???
Why is it that we can seem so happy but on the inside be struggling so much?
Is it in our nature to decieve others or is it societies influence on us to try to act as if everything is great so that we aren't real enough to have to worry about it?

***Another side note***

My mom is what i would call an abstract genious... and i don't mean artist... I love you moo!

***End second side note***

Anyway i really like the title of this specific entry because i think it's poetic and very real. So i hope you enjoyed this entry and please comment i enjoy reading what you think and your thoughts on my thoughts.